On behalf of National Slap Your Irritating Co-Worker Day (which is on October 23), I’ve decided that my co-workers feel too much like a sitcom to pass an opportunity to write about them. They are the ones who, whenever they tell a story about an animal they raised, end the story with the animal dying. Or the ones who, after telling me every detail about their family history, could compile a soap opera. Their ages range from mid-twenties to mid-sixties with humor that could match The Office or Seinfeld. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my Minneapolis co-workers, whose Communication Specialist and Gossip Keeper will present to you unabridged conversations and one-liners as accurately as her memory will allow.
Co-worker 1: “You better watch your attitude there.”
Co-worker 2: “My attitude gets perkier around you.”
When the coffee maker stopped working in the bitter winter of 2017, all the 20- and 30-year-old inspectors were complaining:
Co-worker 1: “Don’t they know that people are going to die?!”
Co-worker 2: “We’ll start walking out one by one.”
Co-worker 3: “Let’s start a riot.”
Co-worker 4: “I can’t work under these conditions.”
Two 20-year-old co-workers were comparing their arm muscles in the office.
Guy 1: “Mine looks like a hot dog.”
Guy 2: “No, yours looks like a brat, man.”
Several inspectors were talking about Disney’s acquisitions.
Co-worker 1: “I heard Disney bought Fox.”
Co-worker 2: “I hear Disney is buying CenterPoint Energy.”
Earlier this month, I saw a huge bag of candy sitting on a table.
Me: “It feels like Halloween.”
Co-worker 1: “There’s [So and So] in her Halloween costume.”
Co-worker 2, wearing normal work clothes: *makes face at Co-worker 1*
I told my boss I started boxing lessons.
Boss to co-worker: “Watch out for her. When she gets mad, there’s trouble.”
Co-worker to me: “There goes Trouble.”
Me: “Without me, there’d be no fun.”
Conversation 8 (all directed to me)
“Hannah, you weigh as many pounds as I need to lose.”
“I could gain weight just seeing you eat.”
“You finally decided to show up today. It’s what, like, noon?”
“If I show you too many dog pictures, you have my permission to say, ‘I have a meeting.’”
“What’s wrong with you, girl?!” *when I say I’m single*